yummie

i just came back from having one of the best meals in my life. true, i like my food, but this transcends most of my culinary experience. it was at this quaint little blue-walled seafood restaurant called 'out of the blue' (cute). it's located just across the street from the harbour in Dingle. Dingle is a famous bay in co.Kerry just nortwest of Tralee and takes about a little over an hour to get there from tralee by car.

i thought the best part of the whole event was the starter. probably because i was so hungry by the time we got there. the food took a while to get to you, but they actually left some recipe books lying around for the patrons to flip through while waiting for the food. it was quite a brilliant idea i must say, because flipping through those glossy cookbooks' pages certainly whets one appetite.

i had crab claws in garlic for my starter. it was heavenly . i used all ten of my fingers (and then some!) and became totally oblivious to my surroundings. certainly not the place to bring a date to for the first time! my main course was good too-plaice in lemon butter- and 2 of my friends had these lovely scallops (i know cuz i nicked some. heh.) and we had this huge lobster between us which was absolutely gorgeous.

now i can go through the dreaded weekend oncall with some consolation :>

sweet!!

am watching incubus live online and it's just effing brilliant! ahaha... the questions from the fans weren't too bad so far. mikey is so cute!! he's just sitting there shyly answering questions. and brandon's agitating if nobody'll call. bootleg cds were mentioned-gotta have those.
"i'd like to see lionel ritchie do a cover of our cover of his song Hello" - jose, when asked who the band would like to see cover an incubus song and which song would it be. hilarious!
brandon looks older, could be that moustache. hehe. and that lilt in his voice at the end of each sentence. yum. oops i'm obsessing over brandon again.
anyways, thing is over now and i can go have my dinner. too bad they didn't perform or anything. but good fun altogether :>
rawk on incubus!

blegh

Its 10 pm. Im alone in the doctor's room just outside the surgical wards. Soon the bleeps will start coming as the nurses finish their change-over and start the drug-rounds. I hope there wouldn't be too many lines to be put in, or drugcharts to be re-written. Or a patient suddenly deciding to start rigoring with a temperature of 38.9'C, or having an acute onset of dyspnoea or chest pain. I hope the nurses wont suddenly realize at 12 midnight that an 90 year old man had not been passing urine since morning and expect me to put a catheter in at that ungodly hour. But somehow this is what happens usually. And it usually happens after I've walked all the way to the rez which is ridiculously far away from the wards, changed and put my head on the pillow, getting ready to catch whatever sleep I can. I would've been pacing around the wards for an hour or two waiting for jobs to be done before I get up to the rez- sometimes there wouldn’t be much, nope, not until I all the way across to the other end of the hospital, THEN they decided to bleep me to get something done.

It's funny how things are not what they seem. For instance, this afternoon... i was called to the male wards to put up an IV line for this 78 yr old patient. His veins were popping out almost the size of my pinkie. they were huge. Plus he was a very skinny man. I didn't even think for a second about not getting a line in. But to both our horror(esp. his, the poor man) i couldn't get it in!...not even after 4 times trying!!! the poor, poor man, he was very patient. and i was so frustrated!! i mean his veins were bulging for goodness's sakes. About not more than 5 minutes later, i was bleeped from the female ward. Another line. This time a 38 yr old woman. She was quite on the plump side, with horribly thready veins (when you actually find on beneath all the fat! i'm mean). But i had the line in before she even had time to wince at the contact of needle on skin. It was so weird....i still feel guilty about that first man...i don't know what went wrong..:/
i mean if it was a bet, i'd bet all my money that the first line woul be the successful one, but heck, it shows how things can be totally the opposite of what your first impression of them is.

I was watching this show on tv at a friend's house the other night, can't remember what it was called, but it was sort of like a documentary where this man was testing the driving skills of this other guy while the latter was high on grass. it was hilarious. First he made the guy drive sober, he had to do all the works, 3 point turning, side parking etc. Then he had to repeat everything while he was high on the mota - i don't know how doped up he was...but he looked out-of-it enough! hehe. i mean, the guts of that other guy to even be in the car while the guy was driving high on marijuana! hehehe..he even commented that the guy did a better job parking while he was high compared to when he was sober.hehehehee

but he's married...!

how do you respond to the flirtations of a married man? how do you know that the remarks of a married man is flirtatious? i mean, to me, whatever i consider flirty from a single man, i consider the same with a married one. or, since he is bethrothed to another, would it be considered more inappropriate? or would it be considered even less harmless than the flirtatious remarks of a single man because he is married?
it's mind boggling isn't it?

--------------------

i was surfing the ukm website today, and came across the postgraduate programmes. there it was: Masters of Medicine (Radiology). i almost emailed the dean there and then, it just felt right. but something held me back. i don't know what it was. maybe it's because i was using the hospital email, or more probably i wasn't sure. sigh. i'll get there.

got home from work about an hour and a half ago. i was told to head off early by the reg 'cos there wasn't much to do today. could've gone off earlier, but would've felt guilty. although it was an incredibly eventless day right after lunchtime.
feeling quite pissed at the moment about the gas bill. that silly woman from the renting office still says the bill was correct, but i just had a look at the meter again and it was not what was printed on the bill. i'm sure they got it wrong. that, or i'm not reading the meter correctly. but there isn't any other way to read it i'm sure! if only they would get their silly asses down here and read it right now and prove me right. argh. it's just bugging me at the moment.
to top that, there are just too many things on my mind right now. do i get the car, or the new notebook first? can't actually get both at the same time 'cos i'd definitely be flat broke if i were to do that. and if i were to get the car first i would have the license and the insurance to sort out first and i'd have to go down to cork for that. that would need me to miss a day of work, which i wouldn't like to do especially when mr.waldron comes back. can u see the dilemma there?
and i were to get the computer first, i can't make up my mind to whether get a Dell, or an Apple Mac. apparently mac is making a comeback...but hey, what do i know. i'm stupid that way.
spent an hour in the library after lunch at work 'cos did not have anything to do. was surfing the net at Malaysia Central
and came across a few blogs of fellow malaysians. some were pleasantly amusing and interesting. woud've liked to know these bloggers personally, 'cos they have such interesting thoughts and ideas.
oops, 'Home and Away' is on!
later!!

brandon's new look

** dig the T-shirt AND the moustache! :D

listening to:
3 Doors Down - Here Without You
Imogen Heap - Come Here Boy
Badly Drawn Boy - The Shining
Phantom Planet - California

mes petits amis

i was watching 'stand by me' for the god-knows-how-many time the other night, and it made me think of my own childhood friends. it made me realise the importance of these friendships in the shaping of who and what i am today, among other things.

primary school, my first experience of having a 'clique'. they were some of the best friends i've ever had. Marissa and Catherene were the closest to me. and we were always childishly proud to the fact that our names were 'unique' - marissa being spelt with 2 S's, catherene spelt with an E instead of an I, and my name being anelia instead of amelia. stupid, i know, but hey, we were 10 for crying out loud, and somehow that fact strengthened our friendship - as if it was fate that 3 girls with unusually spelt names would be best pals. hahaha..
you know how the desks in school were, where you can pull up the top of the desk and there is sort of like a drawer underneath? we used to sit in class while a lesson is going on with a copy of a 'sweet dreams' or a 'sweet valley high' novel stuck between our lap and the desk drawer, furtively glancing down now and again to read the novel and almost oblivious to whatever lessons that were going on at that time. we even started our own novel, using a school exercise book and wrapping its cover up with white paper and pasting pictures of 3 pretty models on it. those would be the main characters of the book - US. each of us would take the book home for two days two write a few paragraphs and pass it then on to the next girl to continue. we would each write it in a fashion that it would be our own character is the heroine of the book, and not the other 2 girls. it was hilarious. but it was so much fun.
we were brownies. i was an Elf, Cat was a Fairy i think, and Mars may have been a Pixie. we were in the rhythmic gymnastic junior team together. we spend hours talking on the phone. we gang up on each other during fights. we had our parents send us to the movies to watch michael j. fox in 'back to the future', then get sundaes in mcdonald's and tease each other about the boys we liked.we get to class late from recess. we passed notes in class. we whispered and giggled a lot dring lessons.we were the cheekiest girls in school. 3 years later i was sent to a boarding school. and we lost touch.
i have no idea where they are now. last i heard was that catherene was sent to a boarding school in new zealand and that marissa is now a medical doctor too.
it would be nice to see them again.

i just found out that jonathan rhys myers still lives in Cork! interesting....

swoon...!

**guys, if johnny depp can look this good at 40, you have absolutely no excuses.

songs of the moment:
When I Get You Alone - Thicke
White Flag - Dido
Familiar - Incubus
Where Is the Love - the Black-Eyed Peas

Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amelie Poulain

Last Friday night I was drawn into the brilliantly quirky and fascinating world of Amelie Poulain. I like films, but rarely do I find one I feel passionate about like I do Amelie . True to form, this film possesses the classic tasteful artistic quality of most French films. But what makes Amelie touch me so is the idealistic and innocent ways of this girl in dealing with life. She has a kind heart, unblemished by the corrupted world. She is also ruled by the same heart, by her emotions, rather than her mind. Not necessarily a bad thing, this is. Because in Amelie's case, her charming naivete works wonders with the lives of those around her. And when she falls in love, she does it with her whole being, feelings pure and simple so disarming that it's impossible to be dismissed or resisted. Highly recommended to those feeling pessimistic and cynical about life at the moment. :)

listening to:
Summer Romance (anti-gravity love song) - Incubus
Can I Buy You a Drink? - Hoobastank
Ada Apa Dengan Cinta OST

What is it?

How do you know that you are in love with a person?
Is it by the way they enter your mind as soon as you wake up from sleep?
Is it by the way they make you feel that you're all right the way you are?
Is it by how you feel that they've got your back always?
And that in no circumstances will you not be there for them in their time of need?
Or is it by the way you feel that they are one of the best friends you've ever had?
Someone you could talk to about anything and everything without having to worry that they'll judge you?
Is it the way they make you laugh?
Is it that intense physical attraction that consumes you every time they're near?
Is it the way you turn away when they hold your gaze for more than a second for fear that you may break down?
Is it the way they smell so good?
Maybe it's the way you feel comfortable in their presence, yes maybe a little self-conscious, but it still feels like home?
Or maybe it's the way you feel that you will never tire of seeing them, talking to them, waking up next to them, laughing with them, even picking up a fight with them, for the rest of your life?
Maybe it's all of those things..
Maybe it's none of 'em...
But if what I'm feeling for you isn't love, then i never want to be in love.

Vous etes ou le soleil brille..

quizzes

someone told me that blonde joke existed. darn.
had a great weekend in limerick with syaz, farhan and rona. sk8ter boi *drool* .





take the butt quiz.


and go to mewing.net. why not visit the site of someone who made a quiz about butts?






take the jeans quiz. gus made it!


and go to mewing.net. because laura and gus collectively own over 30 pairs of jeans.

hot

heatwave!!!!

i'm not sure...but i think i thought this up myself:
why did the blonde buy two copies of the same film?
- because she likes the film so much she wanted to watch it twice.

laugh please!!

hihihi

sunday morning....

have you ever woken up to a revelation?......


breakfast: mcvities a.m. cereal bites + coffee
listening to: better than ezra - good
flaming lips - tangerine
cake - daria

the catcher in the rye II

Finished the book last weekend. And like the first time, it left me dissatisfied. i wanted more.
Despite his constant swearing, his perpetual depression, his seemingly ungrounded hatred and intolerance towards almost all things alive, Holden Caulfield is a beautiful character with a good soul. i can't help but feel that his emotional turmoil is a result of being too empathetic without meaning to. he feels for people. he is sensitive to the misfortune of others. too sensitive even, that these things bring him down lower than he already is from his own problems.

"I took her dress over to the closet and hung it up for her. It was funny. It made me feel sort of sad when I hung it up for her. I thought of her going in a store and buying it, and nobody in the store knowing she was a prostitute and all. The salesman probably just thought she was a regular girl when she bought it. It made me feel sad as hell - I don't know why exactly."

Other favourite TCITR quotes:

"If you do something too good, after a while, if you don't watch it, you start showing off. And then you're not as good any more."

"I live in New York, and I was thinking about the lagoon in Central Park, down near Central Park South. I was wondering if it would be frozen over when I got home, and if it was, where did the ducks go. I was wondering where the ducks went when the lagoon got all icy and frozen over. I wondered if some guy came in a truck and took them away to a zoo or something. Or if they just flew away."

"What really knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it."

"You take a very handsome guy, or a guy that thinks he's a real hot-shot, and they're always asking you to do them a big favour. Just because they're crazy about themself, they think you're crazy about them, too, and that you're just dying to do them a favour."

"Most girls if you hold hands with them, their goddam hand dies on you, or else they think they have to keep moving their hand all the time, as if they were afraid they'd bore you or something. Jane was different. We'd get into a goddam movie or something, and right away we'd start holding hands, and we wouldn't quit till the movie was over. And without changing the position or making a big deal out of it. You never even worried, with Jane, whether your hand was sweaty or not. All you knew was, you were happy. You really were."

"All you have to do to depress somebody is give them a lot of phony advice while your looking for your initials in some can door."

"That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can."

"I went down by a different staircase, and I saw another "Fuck you" on the wall. I tried to rub it off with my hand, but it was scratched on, with a knife or something. It wouldn't come off. It's hopeless, anyway. If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn't rub out even half the "Fuck you" signs in the world. It's impossible."

"That's the whole trouble. You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write 'Fuck you' right under your nose. Try it sometime. I think, even, if I ever die, and they stick me in a cemetery, and I have a tombstone and all, it'll say 'Holden Caulfield' on it, and then what year I was born and what year I died, and then right under that it'll say 'Fuck you.' I'm positive, in fact."

"The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he want's to live humbly for one."

"...Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field ot rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy."

Incubus

listening to: 2 new incubus songs they performed at Lollapalooza, pretty badass: Megalomaniac(i like this one better, but that can change in a matter of seconds)
Pistola
if the rest of the songs for the coming album are along the lines of these two, i'm more than happy.

Drained

i knew i shouldn't've complained about not having anything to do! the last week (+ weekend)had been pure hell!. i'm spent. i was oncall the on the weekend, and it was not pretty. and a full day work the following monday too. because my consultant was oncall for 5 days in a row, we had a lot of radiographs ordered and needed to be reported in urgency. and who had to face those cranky radiologists? me. dr. kelly had this rep of being a scary radiologist consultant, but he's always been friendly with me. but yesterday, boy, did he lay one on me! i mean i don't blame him for being worked up with all those ultrasounds to do AND report, but being oncall for the last 48 hours and then full time monday had me so exhausted i almost burst out crying.
later that day, i had to see yet another radiologist, dr.bannan, and while i was in his room dr.kelly came in with a cup of tea in his hand. he was all cheerful and all, and he was trying to make it up to me by cracking up some stupid joke and holding out his hand for a shake of truce, and saying "it'll get better with time lia, it'll get better." i took his hand, but i was too tired from work and the emotional abuse to play nice with him then.
i'm oncall again today. but that's okay...i'll be oncall free for the next 8 days at least.

wow...one whole paragraph and no bleeps so far...amazing...but i'd better get going anyway.

the catcher in the rye

i've started reading it again. the first time i read it was when i was about 14. it was a very hard book to put down. holden talked about novels and authors that he liked, that he liked some books so much he wished the author was his friend-someone he could pick up the phone and call. i wouldn't mind calling j.d. salinger.

"...Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field ot rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy."Holden in chapter 22. Here Holden tells Phoebe the basic theme of the novel.



listening to: your body is a wonderland - john mayer
another lonely day - ben harper
seperti kekasihku - padi
crash into me - dave matthews band
serve the servants - nirvana ('his sad and melancholic pools of clear baby blue eyes')
a certain shade of green- a very jazzy and funky version of the song. mike's and jose's project feat. brandon at the Time Lapse Consortium. i like the original incubus one better though. waiting in anticipation for next album...

ihh...makasih ya gilank! but for those of you wondering...those are not my legs!! hahaha
ya gimana sih gilank...gak ada yg mata ya? a pair of beautiful dark eyes, like mine!hehehehe
oh ya...i did that thing at lunchtime gil..so be on the look out ya?

i'm sleepy!!!this is the most boring rotation ever!
we've finally found an apartment...i am so glad about that. just need to do some shopping though. we've no plates!! well we've no food to put on the plates anyway, come to think of it..

gilank!! title-titlenya kemana nih?????

i'm having the urge to read 'the catcher in the rye' again...holden caulfield is ...weirdly attractive.

:<

ishh...takleh balik lak harini...but that's okay...i have til monday :>
as usual, not that busy today. after all the discharges made, we've only 4 patients left! hehe, that's quite outrageous i say.
things to do: obts. jaundice patient's blood for the weekend (right after this)
look at apt. at 4
pack things to take back to cork tonight
get contact lenses prescription tomorrow afternoon

listening to: Abra Moore - Happiness (still)
Padi - Sesuatu yang Indah
Turin Brakes - Save Me (Underdog)

a bored intern...(!)

i suppose that should not be possible, a bored intern, that is. but this past week has been quite uneventful...the team having about 8 patients in total and the theatre list being only 3 yesterday, and possibly only 2 tomorrow! this is not healthy for me-imagine the shock i'll get come sept. with mr.mccormack's team!
i hate blood results!! last week it was xrays...but this week it's the bloods...i just can't seem to order all the right ones, or get the right results back the next morning. better think up of a plan of how to be a leeetle bit more organised lia :P
tomorrow to view another apartment, i'm sick of this, i just want to settle down SOMEWHERE and not think about it anymore.
esok balik cork yay!

song on the week: Abra Moore- Happiness

~it's better to burn out than to fade away~k.cobain

New Skin

i survived!! at least for the last 5 days! Alhamdulillah, a week had passed; i didn't cry and the patients didn't die...hihi, i know i know i shouldn't be joking about something like that, but can't resist!! it's quite unbelievable, but i had been working as an MD for a week now. it was..undescribable...i've mixed feelings about it, well actually i was too busy to even think! can't deny i am a bit elated about it all because i don't really feel exhausted at the moment considering i was on-call last night.
let's see, the first day was scary. i was so clueless, and here i was having to discharge patients, insert cannulae and prescribe drugs. but the nurses have been most helpful, thank you sisters! and to my SHos too, thanks for putting up with my bleeps for the dozens of failed lines, hihi. speaking of bleeps (pagers to some :P), it has become the bane of my existence. well maybe not the bleep itself but the anticipation of the message it carries," hello doctor, can u come over, we need a catheter!" argh, and i had to do 3 lastnite on-call. my first 3 catheters, god bless 'em (not the catheters, but the patients :P).
it was tiring, physically and emotionally. people seems to want you in several different places at one time. man, they do work interns like dogs! everybody wants a piece of you, the team, the nurses, the patients. but at the end of the day, it all feels worth it.
the new place is not bad...just a bit messy from the previous tennant....and the fact that she still havent moved out is not helping matters.
to my loyal (and probably the ONLY) reader..yes, you :P did you miss me? i'm sure you did. anyway I missed you!! hehe
gawd i better take a nap before i stop making sense.....

Intern Induction 2003 June 25 & 26

7 Habits of a Highly Effective Intern (2003)
(something like this:)

1. be kind and polite
2. use patient stickers liberally
3. always be ahead of your boss
4. plan ahead and make lists of what to do
5. communicate clearly with the nursing staff
6. do not miss ward rounds
7. take care of yourself (spend!!)


Dr. Chris Luke: we medics make the biggest moaners!
Dr. Eddie from Oz: patients are your priority
Dr. Mike O'Connor (yummy! how can a consultant be so young and hot? hehe): How to avoid clinical pitfalls-he said a lot! and they are all so very useful.
Prof. Quigley: learn to say ' i don't know'
Dr. Niall Colwell: learn the basic drugs
use the BNF (Dr. 0'Connor: MIMS is crap!)
presription writing: legible BLOCK LETTERS, generic name, correct doses, no abbrev.

lots of other things...will add in when i remember

Dr. Mike o' Connor: what interns should do and should not do.

Favourite Incubus Lyrics

(dah takde keje sangat)


So sick of limiting myself to fit your definition. - redefine

if I had a dime for every time you walked away, you could bet your bottom dollar that I'd be filthy rich by noon
today. - glass


Could someone please explain to me your ever present lack of speed?
I think I grew a gray watching you procrastinate What are yoou waiting for, A certian shade of green?
- a certain shade of green

Too bad the things that make you mad are my favorite things. - favorite things

I'm home alone tonight ..Full moon illuminates my room, and sends my mind aflight,
I think I was dreaming up some thoughts that were seemingly possible... with you.
I think I found a way for you and I to finally fly free,
When we get there, we're gonna go so far away
Making sure to laugh; while we experience anti-gravity. - summer romance (anti-gravity love song) fav song!!!!


Over and over we ask ourselves why we don't utilize things that are stored
deep inside of our brains! - deep inside

Isn't it weird that a privilege could feel like a chore. - priviledge

don't you dare come to bed with that ambiguous look in your eye, I'd sooner sleep by an open fire and wake up fried.
could I make it all up to you by serving coffee for two in bed, would you then give me the time of day?
I need a map of your head translated into english so I can learn to not make you frown. - clean

So don't let the world bring you down
not everyone here is that fucked up and cold
remember why you came and while you're alive
experience the warmth before you grow old - the warmth

yes I feel emphatic about not being static
and not eating the bullshit that's being fed to me, no, no
cause now I'm full - when it comes

Meet me in outer space
I will hold you close, if you're afraid of heights
I need you to see this place, it might be the only way
that I can show you how it feels to be inside of you.
How do u do it?? make me feel like I do?
How do u do it? it's better than I ever knew - stellar

If you let them make you
they'll make you paper mache
at a distance you're strong
until the wind comes
then you crumble and blow away. - make yourself

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes. - drive

You do something to me that I can't explain
so would I be out of line, if I said I miss you. - i miss you


To resist is to piss in the wind
anyone who does will end up smelling. - out from under

she who sees from up high smiles and surely sings. - nice to know you

The world's a roller coaster and I am not strapped in
maybe I should hold with care but my hands are busy in the air. - wish you were here

I never thought I could want someone so much
cause now you're not here and I'm knee deep in my own fear
forgive my indecision, I am only a man. - 11 am

Bat your eyes girl, be otherworldly
count your blessings, seduce a stranger
what's so wrong with being happy?
kudos to those who see through sickness.
I suggest we learn to love ourselves before it's made illegal. - warning

There's something about the look in your eyes
something I noticed when the light was just right
it reminded me twice that I was alive. - echo

Unabashed honesty, would be ideal
but a prophet did once say that honesty's our only word. - have you ever?

Ponderings...

do you ever wonder what the point of it all is? i don't doubt that most of you out there do, especially the so-called slackers of my generation :>...wonder if some are still ambiguously 'slacking', or have moved on appropriately to greater heights of living, having found the long-searched reason and meaning for their existence. me, i'm somewhere in the middle. sometimes it feels like there's nothing more that could be asked for than this blessed fortune, other times it feels like, is this it? i know that sounds unthankful, but i am thankful for all there is...
it's just this restlessness that appears uninvited...sometimes i can choose to ignore it, but there are those desperate times when it is all-consuming...
i wish i am relieved of this ambiguity....
i don't want to succumb to this self-doubt or surrender to any form of disillusionment. what do i do? is there such a thing as profound happiness? will i be contented? will i feel complete? will i be appeased with myself?
i am still searching, not for the meaning of life, of my life, but for what i can do to enrich it, to be able to affect the lives of others in the best way possible, to be not someBody, but someOne......insyaAllah.
-------------

esok kena pi Tralee, ugh..2 hours of busride-i can think of better things to do with my time (sleep).
i sure hope that this apartment is The One. i've had enough of searching dah. well, actually i didnt really do much, it's just the worrying of not having a place to live yet that's causing the stress. hihi

at least, as a consolation, ada makan2 lagi esok at syaz's/izzat's/farhan's....syaz is cooking, and if that isn't fantastic, i don't know what is...he's such a great cook :> tho' bengkek gak tadi he had to ask agee to borrow my mixer, wouldnt even get out of the car in front of my house! syaz?? what the--? cam tak biasa...maybe he thought E's parents and my (extended) family still ada kot...malu konon. gotta get home quickly from Tralee in time for the foods!!

just remembered my book and cds (pearl jam's Ten included, demit) is with F. gotta get them back come hell or high water. the q is how and when....

i wonder what happened with that person lastnight with that other person....how'd i get in the middle of all that? i was quite pissed off. maybe i was too hard on him, but hey, sapa suruh pakai tuduh aje. i don't even know her that well. i wonder if F has anything to do with all this. don't know and don't care and hope i don't get mixed up again with that lot. argh. sabar lia....

Empty

you are my nothingman, my no-where man,
endless lullaby, carresses your lips, lands on my fluttering lids,
be my all-surrounding man, my everywhere,everything man,
honey-filled sonnets, kiss my quivering lips,
let it be forever....

hello again. it's been awhile ya..?just got back from london a few days ago. tired!! my family is here in cork at the moment. it's pretty neat having them here. tadi Y. D. Agong came to the univ. to be conferred. kebetulan pulak it's just thye day before our own graduation, which is tomorrow obviously. we all had to go see him. nice man, Tuanku Permaisuri as well. not hoighty-toity. just easygoing. i'm so tired. need to sleep.

izzat found a house. 3 bedroom. tapi now thr's four of us, including Fida from Galway. izzat sez he doesnt mind not joining us- tht he'll look for an apartment for himself.sian lak.

i wanna talk about the trip, but my lids are too heavy...maybe another time...*yawn*

harini pi makan lagi...saw 'kl menjerit' at saress's--horrible film!!!cemana film msia nak maju :/

the house is already taken by abe!!argh...but some ppl in tralee are helping us find a house anyways..so hopefully.


Crumble
Raindrops beat insistently against the windowpane,
The glass cannot avoid them, there is no escaping,
Only acceptance, only admission,
Sort of how I feel right now,
And you are the drops of rain...

Snowflakes feather dreamily onto the ground,
The soil cannot deny them; they are persistent in their softness,
Urging on, till the last of the dirt is blanketed in white,
Sort of how you affect life,
And I am rendered defenseless...

I am warm; I am pulsing,
Did you not think of that?
I breathe; I bleed,
Did you not consider the consequence?

Let the wind whisper over each mountaintop,
Let the waves caress the shoreline,
Let the sun vanish over the horizon,
I will not forget,
I will learn...

suposed former infatuation junkie

had a nice time today. the food was not bad, had thumbs up for the cake hehe, the kids r just too adorable. amirah called me chik lia today, yess mission accomplished- it's amazing the way she could remember over 20 female names in such a short time.

3 days before i have to go to london and pick family up, the house is now officially a mess altho' we'd work so hard in making it pretty last week....slobs. i'm ecstatic to meet my parents and all, but as always, packing up to travel makes me depressed. weird, i know, but that's how it is. i remember last summer i was getting ready to fly home, cried my eyes out the night before for no reason. Psycho!

N.B. ask Hasnul tomorrow about that house. God please let it be available! Good, cheap and available! Where the heck is Izzat. all i'm getting is his ans. machine where this serious lady operator says: "the fingers u are using to touch the keypads are too fat. please try again using less fat fingers" - or something along that line. hilarious though :>

why do i sometimes obssess over absolutely unimportant things? to much free time in my hands i suppose :/

adam sandler rawks!
saw excess baggage again today on tv: the storyline a bit crappy, but the soundtrack is great: the wallflowers, dave matthews band. also, benecio del toro...yummy! (though brad pitt and jason statham overshadowed him in Snatch).

why am i angry at him? it doesnt make sense.

esok ada makan2 lagi. there goes my plan to lose weight...right down the drain! bought parting gifts for the fellas. did a lousy job wrapping 'em up. i'll never be hired in a gift shop now. darn

i have to get the house!!!!!!

Good night, good night! parting is such
sweet sorrow,
That I shall say good night till it be morrow.

duh, pusing banget pala gw *oops this ain't my national language* come to think of it, english isnt too! hahaha A2DC influence to the max...
i am so stressed out!! so many things to be done and it's the weekends. i am so dead. help.

how do i 'upgrade' this basic blog??? can't even post pics! help.

don't wanna start work!!! those poor sick people, they don't deserve this. i'm sorry. i'm probably gonna be the lousiest surgical intern ever. help


stress! thank god tomorrow is amri's and amirah's birthday bash. being surrounded by those cherubic faces always makes me feel better. baked a choc. cake for tomorrow, the coffee in it tasted stronger than usual :/

At the risk of sounding cynical and especially cliched, I can't help but think that all men are the same. Well, maybe not all, but most that I have the (dis)pleasure of coming across anyway. I suppose by now it is obvious that that remark was said in a negative way. Gross generalizing again (sorry F! haha). Is that so bad? Sometimes it's needed. It helps make sense of some of the things that happens. No, I am not disillusioned. I don't think all men are evil. In fact, I think men are delightful beings when they decide to be so.

'All the same' in what way you ask? Perhaps tomorrow will I indulge you with my ludicrous reasons...:>

blog this

This feels weird....I've always considered myself as some kind of a writer, but that was eons ago. I've lost touch. My vocab. sucks, but what the hey, beats lying in bed staring at the cobwebs at the corner of the ceiling (figure of speech, am not a slob with cobwebs on her ceiling). The idea of anyone being even the slightest interested in my soliloquies is well, nonexistent. But this is not for anyone, whilst being out there for everyone, it isn't. Maybe, some sort of a therapy for me In fact, you may call it a kind of an experiment. I am rambling.
Say, Padi sounds unbelievably like Pearl Jam in Work of Heaven, not that Fadly sounds like Eddie or their music sounds alike, but I suppose the combination of both in this case makes them aurally similar! (Digressing!)
Ok let see, how do I start with this...I suppose I should write about my day. Ha Ha. Considering I did absolutely nothing for the past few weeks, what a fine time I choose to start a blog. :P
However, I Do have a whole load of things in my mind though. Don't know if they are worth having down on paper, or in this case, on screen. Hmm...nah, too tired.
Things to do: top up credit card
Call Occup. Health CUH for medical check up appointment
Call Maiza & Yvonne re house
Call Izzat re house
Look for accom. for last night in London
Try finishing last part of Black House, for goodness’s sakes!
Arrghhh!!! So much to do, so little time.

Sum'in i wrote 2 summers ago...


Summer Romance

I dig my toes into the sand...
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanke...

I wish Tristan were here with me this very moment. It is too glorious not to share with anyone. The sky is almost azure in its painting-like richness, the sun shining brightly without any signs of a cloud to hinder its magnificence, the gleaming calmness of the turquoise ocean, the cool summer breeze whispering the promise of a beautiful day. We would sit by the lapping waves and make sandcastles with beautiful coral fences, and Tristan would probably catch a baby crab and trap the poor thing in what would more likely turn out to be a prison than a castle made of sand. We would tell each other ghost stories in broad daylight, making them ridiculously up as we go along, and we would laugh so hard until tears stream down our faces. Then when we are tired, we would just sit on the pure white sand and watch the sun go down.

I lean against the wind, pretend that I am weightless...
And in this moment I am happy...

I open my eyes and inhale the fresh salty air deeply. The sun feels deliciously warm and toasty on my skin. Pure Bliss. But Tristan is not here. No sign of dark eyes or careless hair. Not even the sound of teasing laughter.

"...lighten up, will you!"

I have, Tris, believe you me I have. No more dark brooding thoughts for this girl. I am happy and free. Free because you owned me. It is funny how life contradicts. Funny, but not necessarily bad. You showed me life is too precious to be fretting about anything and everything. That we are alive and happy and healthy and blessed to be some of the chosen ones to be put here on sweet earth by God, that we should be thankful for that fact alone each and every day of our lives. You taught me the meaning of appreciation, of empathy, of serenity. And especially of the underrated and overused word that is Love.
I remember the day we first met. You were on the floor with both your feet practically behind your ears, and I was on the mat next to you, still struggling with my Sun Salutation. The smell of ylang ylang incense wafted around us and the calming voice of the yoga mistress drifted in the background as she told the next group to breathe in deep.
"You're lucky if you can actually get into any position with that ferocious frown on your face,'"you called out cheerfully, toes wriggling weirdly past your shoulders. You had this big smile on your face, the same goofy grin that, from then on, never failed to greet me every time we meet. The very same smile I'd grown so fond of, only that first time, it was so annoying I had this urgent impulse to smack it off your wonderful face.

There's something about the look in your eyes...
Something I notice when the light was just right...
It reminded me twice that I was alive...

How was it Tris that you always managed to get this sulking, angry girl to feel like she owns the world and everything in it? I saw the colours of the rainbow, smelled the sweetness of a rose, felt the softness of a freshly fallen snowflake, all since I met you. You heightened my senses, soothed my wounded heart. You were the chocolate sauce on my favourite sundae. You were my one transcendental experience.

I lay my head onto the sand...
The sky resembles a backlit canopy with holes punched in it...

I's late. I look up to the heavens. A clear starry night like this is not made for crying, so I wiped that treacherous tear away from my cheek.
I remember how we used to spend almost every Sunday on this very same beach. You would lie spread-eagled on the sand so close to the water, you'd close your heavy-lashed brown eyes and sing some blues, preferably something by Bob Dylan or Tom Waits, and you'd sing it loud and clear in your laidback baritone, the sun shining brightly on your face. And I would laugh and shake my head and stare down at you and marvel at how carefree a soul can be. Your zest for life never failed to amaze me. You charmed every person around you in your own sweet unpretentious ways. How you would get a person's full attention with such effortlessness when you engage them in a conversation, and leave everyone satisfied without giving away too much of yourself. But I know all there is to know about you Tristan. And I suspected you knew more about me than you care to admit.

You have only been gone ten days...
And already I’m wasting away...

The cool gentle breeze rustled the palm fronds that sweep the shoreline. I miss Tristan. I miss the laughter we shared, the strength we gave one another, the tears we sometimes caused each other, the comfort we received from each other's presence. I miss the ethereal bond that connected our souls.
You promised to love me for the rest of your life Tris, and that was a promise well kept. Now I only have to love you for the rest of mine.


THE END

**Words in italic by the wonderful Invisible Floating Torso Man.